Weary...

Weary.  Exhausted.  Frustrated.  Tired.  I am so very tired.  Tired of holding it all together.  Tired of there only being one person that I can actually talk to.  Tired of only one person who actually listens to me and believes me.  Tired of being the one who always reaches out, the pursuer.  Look at my phone and pretty much all texts and calls originate with me.  For all relationships.  And I'm weary of it.  I very much want to run somewhere in total isolation.  Throw my phone away.  Be completely disconnected.  Would anyone even notice I wasn't around?  Doubt it.

And I recognize the absurdity of writing this on a blog that no one even knows about.  Because it is safer for me to speak real when I know that no one will see it.  And why don't I say something to the people in my life?  Because I don't want to hurt them.  Because if I go to them and say that I'm hurt by what they've done or left undone, I'm afraid that it will hurt them that they hurt me.  And so I don't say anything.  I just suffer in silence.

There's a great song by Bebo Norman that talks about borrowing faith from those around you when you just can't go on.  And here's the thing...I'm just not seeing much faith around me that I could borrow.

Found this quote, "You sometimes think you want to disappear, but all you really want is to be found."  And I think this is true.  Someone told me the other night at a Bible study that after meeting me last week, she can tell that I am genuine and want to be known.  That I want to be vulnerable.  So maybe I'm just over here screaming "Know me!"  Except there isn't anyone around to hear...

You're Beautiful

So, I have heard this song by MercyMe a couple of times, and today the lyrics completely hit me. Particularly the last part of the first verse: "Wondering if you ever could be loved, and if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much." Hmmm.

I maybe need to listen to this song lots and have the words just wash over me. Words that I could speak so easily to a friend who is hurting...yet hard for me to claim over my own life.



The days will come when you don't have the strength
When all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful

I'm praying that you have the heart to find
Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
And they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful

Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skys above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to die

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
In His eyes
You're beautiful
You were meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You're meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His

Sick

Being sick sucks. There's no way around that one. I've been off work for 3 days and I am going crazy. I spent an hour and a half in the office on Monday before heading home. Tuesday I stayed home all day. Wednesday, I lasted an hour before heading to the dr.

I still have a fever, so no work again tomorrow. Oh my word!

Daytime TV leaves a little something to be desired. I had to turn the TV off and take a nap when I heard someone on the Food Network call tomatoes sexy as she placed them in a pan. Uh, no. In no way, shape or form are tomatoes sexy!

Maybe I'll sign up for Netflix tomorrow so that I have something else to watch...

I'm getting to the whiney stage of sick. I usually don't get to that stage...but it is staring me in the face right now. Ugh! I just want to get better. I want my throat to not hurt. I want this cough to go away. I want my voice to come back...preferably before the show on Friday!

Relationships

Relationships are hard. Relationships are messy. Sometimes relationships make me want to run screaming to the nearest cave in hopes of becoming a recluse. And maybe that’s because I don’t feel like I am “good” at relationships: any of them – family, friends, dating. And perhaps that is reason 2,476 why I am still single…

I care quickly and deeply. I love quickly and deeply. I trust quickly and deeply. Well, let me rephrase that last statement. I trust other people (and want them to trust me), but I guess that I don’t fully trust. I don’t know how to trust people with the deepest parts of me – the parts that I keep hidden so that I stay safe. And when glimpses of “me” are shown, I get embarrassed/awkward/remorseful/etc. I end up feeling stupid and wishing that I would have just kept my mouth shut. I want people in my life to feel like they can come to me and know that I love them just as they are, but I struggle with letting others be that person for me. I feel like I am a fantastic friend to others (but maybe I’m not), but don’t fully know how to let others be a friend to me. I want the people that I care about to be able to come to me and share their burdens with me and know that I will do what I can to help carry their burdens. But somewhere along the way I got the impression that my burdens were too much for other people to handle, so I just needed to continue on along by myself.

Shouldn’t I have everything all put together? Shouldn’t I be able to handle this? Shouldn’t I be able to get past this (by myself)? If they knew x, y, or z about me…they would run fast in the other direction. It’s better safer this way. I can let people know just enough about me to keep them “involved” in my life, but not enough so that they can hurt me. Because that’s really what it boils down to, right? The more someone knows about you, the deeper they can potentially hurt you.

I feel as though there are two parts of me completely at war right now. There is one part of me that wants to keep people at an arm’s length away. To stay in my safe little bubble, with the belief that it’s better that way. But then there is another part of me that DESPERATELY wants to be known. For me to have some people in my life that I can trust fully with my deepest fears, longings, joys, heartaches and to know that they aren’t going to go anywhere. And which side is winning? Honestly, I have no idea. Right now, it is definitely the isolated side of me. But the side that wants to be known has been speaking with increased volume as of late. Maybe that’s because it is so blazing exhausting to continuing wearing these masks.

I have worn masks for most of my life. I learned early on that people don’t want to see emotions, or at least that’s what I thought that I learned. People want to think that everything is a-ok in life, and who was I to go against that train of thought? Every time I was asked how I was doing, the answer was always the same, “Good, how about you?” Certainly they didn’t want to be burdened with whatever was going on in my life, right? So the masks just piled on. Now there have definitely been times in my life when I took the masks down – primarily because I was too exhausted or depressed to keep up appearances. But lately, I have noticed that the masks are back. They take on a variety of forms too. The one that is probably used most often is humor.

A friend recently commented on how I use humor as a wall. And the first time she saw a softer, gentler side of me she told her mom about it. “I love you Wendy Jo. And I remember the first time I saw a glimpse of the real Wendy and I called my mom and told her about it. :) I remember saying something like, I saw a softer side of Wendy, and I really like her.” So if people like that side of me (but don’t know that it exists, why do I try to cover it up? Why do I keep that wall built up so tight and strong? Because here is the thing – walls absolutely keep bad people out…but they also keep the good and safe people out. So by utilizing my walls/defense mechanisms/masks, I am really doing myself more harm than good.

So, what does this look like? Is this a legitimate fear? Am I being ridiculous? Yes to both questions? But how do I change this? Do I just need to suck it up and talk to people and share bits of my life? Is that wise? How do I determine who is “safe”? Why do I have so many freaking questions? Why are relationships so ridiculously difficult?

People are going to figure out that I don’t have it all together. Crap. So which side is winning the war? I don’t know. But I think that in this battle, the Wendy that wants to be known is winning.

Alone

So I needed a night alone. And I took it. Tons of stuff is on my mind right now. I am realizing that there are some deep hurts that I just suppressed. Friends that hurt me (whether they did it knowingly or not). Friends that have disappointed me. Promises not kept. Desires unfulfilled. Hopes that are not met. And I know that I should probably say something to them...but how? How would I even begin to bring that up? Oh hey, ps, remember that one time that you hurt me? Yeah. I wonder if they even know. I wonder if they feel the distance.

I guess that I am just feeling completely alone even though I may be surrounded by people. Not a super fun feeling.

I took a long hot shower and that helped so much. But then my brain started going 8,000 miles a minute again.

I need Jesus so much right now. I need to feel his love and peace. Everything (and everyone) else will fail me. He won't. I need him to slow my brain down. I need to trust and just rest. And I need to learn how to do that. I am not so great at resting...

Broken

Total and complete brokenness. I am still reeling from the evening. Just read a brief devotion-led to a bit of a tailspin. Still trying to process through it. Sad at the state of my heart. Broken for the way that I have been living my life. Desperate for God to show up and refine me. Pleading for Jesus. Because right now that is all that I can do.

New York state of mind

So, I just got back from New York. I absolutely love that city! The last time that I was there (my 25th birthday) I said that I thought it would be fabulous to live there. And now, I really want to live there. But what is the difference in the day to day life in New York versus vacation in New York? I certainly wouldn't be able to go to shows all the time. I'd have to spend my days working instead of walking around Central Park or Times Square. Could this small town Iowa girl make it in the big city?

So my friend Dawn and I have been planning for a number of years that on her 40th and my 30th birthday, we were going to be in NYC. We have the same birthday, exactly 10 years apart. She has been such an amazing blessing in my life the past 8 years. She's one of those friends where it doesn't matter how much time passes in between conversations...it's like no time at all has passed. I really didn't know if I was going to be able to afford going, but because I have AMAZING friends, I went.

Being in New York really solidified my love for that city! It was so much fun!!! We walked around Central Park, went to a Yankees game, ate at some fabulous restaurants, and saw two Broadway musicals. We saw The Little Mermaid on Sunday afternoon-wow! Absolutely amazing!!! On Sunday evening Dawn asked me what I wanted to do for our birthday, since she had picked a lot of other stuff. I told her that my dream of a perfect vacation to New York is just to go to a bunch of shows. So, we decided to go see another show. And Rock of Ages was the show.

Rock of Ages is all 80's music-which I LOVE! It was so good! We got our pictures taken with a couple of the actors from the show, including Constantine Maroulis (from American Idol). I got the soundtrack on iTunes right after the show and I have been listening to it nonstop since returning. And I totally wore a crown all day because it was my birthday. So fun!!!

So now I'm back in Austin, and feeling a little unsettled. Is it time for a change? What does that look like? What does that even mean? Do I pray for an opportunity to move? I am so comfortable here, it's not great, but for the most part, I know what each day holds. So, back to the waiting game I go. A friend encouraged me to start praying Isaiah 7:11 over my life. So, I guess I'll begin doing that.

I've been taken on an exciting adventure before. I packed up my life and moved to Austin. Now I am wondering if it is time for another adventure...