New York state of mind

So, I just got back from New York. I absolutely love that city! The last time that I was there (my 25th birthday) I said that I thought it would be fabulous to live there. And now, I really want to live there. But what is the difference in the day to day life in New York versus vacation in New York? I certainly wouldn't be able to go to shows all the time. I'd have to spend my days working instead of walking around Central Park or Times Square. Could this small town Iowa girl make it in the big city?

So my friend Dawn and I have been planning for a number of years that on her 40th and my 30th birthday, we were going to be in NYC. We have the same birthday, exactly 10 years apart. She has been such an amazing blessing in my life the past 8 years. She's one of those friends where it doesn't matter how much time passes in between conversations...it's like no time at all has passed. I really didn't know if I was going to be able to afford going, but because I have AMAZING friends, I went.

Being in New York really solidified my love for that city! It was so much fun!!! We walked around Central Park, went to a Yankees game, ate at some fabulous restaurants, and saw two Broadway musicals. We saw The Little Mermaid on Sunday afternoon-wow! Absolutely amazing!!! On Sunday evening Dawn asked me what I wanted to do for our birthday, since she had picked a lot of other stuff. I told her that my dream of a perfect vacation to New York is just to go to a bunch of shows. So, we decided to go see another show. And Rock of Ages was the show.

Rock of Ages is all 80's music-which I LOVE! It was so good! We got our pictures taken with a couple of the actors from the show, including Constantine Maroulis (from American Idol). I got the soundtrack on iTunes right after the show and I have been listening to it nonstop since returning. And I totally wore a crown all day because it was my birthday. So fun!!!

So now I'm back in Austin, and feeling a little unsettled. Is it time for a change? What does that look like? What does that even mean? Do I pray for an opportunity to move? I am so comfortable here, it's not great, but for the most part, I know what each day holds. So, back to the waiting game I go. A friend encouraged me to start praying Isaiah 7:11 over my life. So, I guess I'll begin doing that.

I've been taken on an exciting adventure before. I packed up my life and moved to Austin. Now I am wondering if it is time for another adventure...

Four

In some ways four years seems like an eternity. In others, it goes by faster than you can imagine. What can happen in four years? Elementary to high school, high school freshman to senior, college years (unless you are on the extended plan...), marriages, babies, etc. And each of those seems like they just fly by. But what happens when the time doesn't necessarily fly by? What if it seems to drag on?

Exactly four years ago today my world came crashing down around me. I didn't know where to turn or what to do. I entered into a period where I was angry with the people who hurt me, but probably more than that, angry with God for seemingly abandoning me-not a good feeling. I look back at my journals and I can't believe how depressed I was. I didn't want to do anything that involved being around people, I didn't want to sing/listen to music. And I certainly didn't want to hear the Christian responses of "God's got something better for you" or "Whenever God closes a door, He opens a window." Those statements (along with many others) did nothing but hurt me more. Why was I struggling so much if God had something better? Where was the stinking window???

And what I really needed to do was allow God to comfort me in a way that only He can. It was hard, it was painful, it wasn't fun. But the refining process never is. It was also a long journey. In fact, I am still on the journey. I wonder about the day when I won't think about this past situation. Where an action or something said will not trigger a response within me that brings up the hurt or insecurities. But why do I question the process? That's exactly what it is...a process. It takes time.

God has been so incredibly faithful up until this point, and I know that He will continue to do so. As long as I am made more and more like Jesus, that's all that matters. So what if it has been four years. There will probably be more stuff that I will need to walk through later. But that's fine. I have grown so much during this time, and honestly, I don't want to ever go back to the person that I was before.

Pictures

I'm back at the coffee shop and there is a girl sitting by one of the walls with her camera phone taking pictures. One of the things that I sometimes wonder is how many pictures I am just in the background of. I know, random, but a thought nonetheless. Maybe I am the only person who has ever wondered that...

So, what is the point of a blog? Is it so that people can follow what you are up to in your life? To read about what you are learning, experiencing, seeing, believing? What if you just kind of want to write, not necessarily with anyone in mind? Like you secretly want people to read what you are writing, but you also just want to keep it to yourself. As much as you can keep things to yourself when you post it on the internet! Then again, maybe that's just me. Who knows.

I am insanely private...really only telling people what I want them to know. Which makes the idea of a blog a little odd. But anyway, I don't know how to fully let people in. It's frustrating, and I am not saying that as a copout, that is the truth. And what does it look like to walk through life with other people? Do I really want to let people in? I know that I have built walls up in order to protect myself. I have been hurt/burned too many times in the past. So there's the whole walking through that process. And I know that there are probably other people that can walk with me, but honestly, I don't know that I want that.

So that's probably sharing more of my heart than I had originally intended, but it makes it a little easier when there is not someone sitting across from me staring at me. So, I still feel safe...somewhat anyway.

Questions...

So I'm sitting at my favorite coffee shop wondering what exactly should go here. I love people watching, and I am convinced that one of greatest places to people watch is at coffee shops! And maybe the people watching is a way for me to allow myself the time to think through all of the questions.

I am just coming off an amazing trip...and I am really struggling with how to process all of that. How do I reconcile/justify my life with everything that I saw and experienced? I don't want to go back to the same old way of life...how do I ensure that doesn't happen? I guess that I am just in a place of questions. Oh the joys!

Then there are just the basic life questions...am I where I am supposed to be? Is this season nearing an end? Do I need to go somewhere else? Am I okay with going somewhere else? What does that look like? Do I need to know what that looks like?

I am guessing this is going to require some major time on my face. But that's okay...in fact that will be phenomenal! I just need to make sure that I take the time to do so. Otherwise I fear that I will slip back into what I know to be comfortable. And I am kind of sick of staying comfortable. I want to be stretched beyond what I know.