Four

In some ways four years seems like an eternity. In others, it goes by faster than you can imagine. What can happen in four years? Elementary to high school, high school freshman to senior, college years (unless you are on the extended plan...), marriages, babies, etc. And each of those seems like they just fly by. But what happens when the time doesn't necessarily fly by? What if it seems to drag on?

Exactly four years ago today my world came crashing down around me. I didn't know where to turn or what to do. I entered into a period where I was angry with the people who hurt me, but probably more than that, angry with God for seemingly abandoning me-not a good feeling. I look back at my journals and I can't believe how depressed I was. I didn't want to do anything that involved being around people, I didn't want to sing/listen to music. And I certainly didn't want to hear the Christian responses of "God's got something better for you" or "Whenever God closes a door, He opens a window." Those statements (along with many others) did nothing but hurt me more. Why was I struggling so much if God had something better? Where was the stinking window???

And what I really needed to do was allow God to comfort me in a way that only He can. It was hard, it was painful, it wasn't fun. But the refining process never is. It was also a long journey. In fact, I am still on the journey. I wonder about the day when I won't think about this past situation. Where an action or something said will not trigger a response within me that brings up the hurt or insecurities. But why do I question the process? That's exactly what it is...a process. It takes time.

God has been so incredibly faithful up until this point, and I know that He will continue to do so. As long as I am made more and more like Jesus, that's all that matters. So what if it has been four years. There will probably be more stuff that I will need to walk through later. But that's fine. I have grown so much during this time, and honestly, I don't want to ever go back to the person that I was before.