Weary...

Weary.  Exhausted.  Frustrated.  Tired.  I am so very tired.  Tired of holding it all together.  Tired of there only being one person that I can actually talk to.  Tired of only one person who actually listens to me and believes me.  Tired of being the one who always reaches out, the pursuer.  Look at my phone and pretty much all texts and calls originate with me.  For all relationships.  And I'm weary of it.  I very much want to run somewhere in total isolation.  Throw my phone away.  Be completely disconnected.  Would anyone even notice I wasn't around?  Doubt it.

And I recognize the absurdity of writing this on a blog that no one even knows about.  Because it is safer for me to speak real when I know that no one will see it.  And why don't I say something to the people in my life?  Because I don't want to hurt them.  Because if I go to them and say that I'm hurt by what they've done or left undone, I'm afraid that it will hurt them that they hurt me.  And so I don't say anything.  I just suffer in silence.

There's a great song by Bebo Norman that talks about borrowing faith from those around you when you just can't go on.  And here's the thing...I'm just not seeing much faith around me that I could borrow.

Found this quote, "You sometimes think you want to disappear, but all you really want is to be found."  And I think this is true.  Someone told me the other night at a Bible study that after meeting me last week, she can tell that I am genuine and want to be known.  That I want to be vulnerable.  So maybe I'm just over here screaming "Know me!"  Except there isn't anyone around to hear...