Relationships

Relationships are hard. Relationships are messy. Sometimes relationships make me want to run screaming to the nearest cave in hopes of becoming a recluse. And maybe that’s because I don’t feel like I am “good” at relationships: any of them – family, friends, dating. And perhaps that is reason 2,476 why I am still single…

I care quickly and deeply. I love quickly and deeply. I trust quickly and deeply. Well, let me rephrase that last statement. I trust other people (and want them to trust me), but I guess that I don’t fully trust. I don’t know how to trust people with the deepest parts of me – the parts that I keep hidden so that I stay safe. And when glimpses of “me” are shown, I get embarrassed/awkward/remorseful/etc. I end up feeling stupid and wishing that I would have just kept my mouth shut. I want people in my life to feel like they can come to me and know that I love them just as they are, but I struggle with letting others be that person for me. I feel like I am a fantastic friend to others (but maybe I’m not), but don’t fully know how to let others be a friend to me. I want the people that I care about to be able to come to me and share their burdens with me and know that I will do what I can to help carry their burdens. But somewhere along the way I got the impression that my burdens were too much for other people to handle, so I just needed to continue on along by myself.

Shouldn’t I have everything all put together? Shouldn’t I be able to handle this? Shouldn’t I be able to get past this (by myself)? If they knew x, y, or z about me…they would run fast in the other direction. It’s better safer this way. I can let people know just enough about me to keep them “involved” in my life, but not enough so that they can hurt me. Because that’s really what it boils down to, right? The more someone knows about you, the deeper they can potentially hurt you.

I feel as though there are two parts of me completely at war right now. There is one part of me that wants to keep people at an arm’s length away. To stay in my safe little bubble, with the belief that it’s better that way. But then there is another part of me that DESPERATELY wants to be known. For me to have some people in my life that I can trust fully with my deepest fears, longings, joys, heartaches and to know that they aren’t going to go anywhere. And which side is winning? Honestly, I have no idea. Right now, it is definitely the isolated side of me. But the side that wants to be known has been speaking with increased volume as of late. Maybe that’s because it is so blazing exhausting to continuing wearing these masks.

I have worn masks for most of my life. I learned early on that people don’t want to see emotions, or at least that’s what I thought that I learned. People want to think that everything is a-ok in life, and who was I to go against that train of thought? Every time I was asked how I was doing, the answer was always the same, “Good, how about you?” Certainly they didn’t want to be burdened with whatever was going on in my life, right? So the masks just piled on. Now there have definitely been times in my life when I took the masks down – primarily because I was too exhausted or depressed to keep up appearances. But lately, I have noticed that the masks are back. They take on a variety of forms too. The one that is probably used most often is humor.

A friend recently commented on how I use humor as a wall. And the first time she saw a softer, gentler side of me she told her mom about it. “I love you Wendy Jo. And I remember the first time I saw a glimpse of the real Wendy and I called my mom and told her about it. :) I remember saying something like, I saw a softer side of Wendy, and I really like her.” So if people like that side of me (but don’t know that it exists, why do I try to cover it up? Why do I keep that wall built up so tight and strong? Because here is the thing – walls absolutely keep bad people out…but they also keep the good and safe people out. So by utilizing my walls/defense mechanisms/masks, I am really doing myself more harm than good.

So, what does this look like? Is this a legitimate fear? Am I being ridiculous? Yes to both questions? But how do I change this? Do I just need to suck it up and talk to people and share bits of my life? Is that wise? How do I determine who is “safe”? Why do I have so many freaking questions? Why are relationships so ridiculously difficult?

People are going to figure out that I don’t have it all together. Crap. So which side is winning the war? I don’t know. But I think that in this battle, the Wendy that wants to be known is winning.